PMS, Possible Murder Suspect..that’s me today.
written and submitted by Maxibadone
And I’m not discriminating. Any male will do. Postman, jogger, buddy with the boom box attached to the top of his car blasting it at all hours, the guy at the gas station who can’t crack a smile even if you paid him, the sleezeballs that send me yet another ‘wanna f**’ email, you had better take cover! Mr Max happens to have a little intelligence and ran off to work today hoping that by the time he gets home, the bodies will already be buried and he will be safe because I will have exhausted myself.
BEWARE I say!!!
Yup, we have all thought about it at one time or another during this time of mental chaos.
When our man suddenly becomes stupid, lazy, irritating, and just a general prick for all the wrong reasons.
Our job environment becomes harsh with the jackass that keeps replacing the boss every damn month, who really feels it necessary to annoy the hell out of you giving you shit to do that you really have no interest in doing AND there is no point doing it at all..EVER.
Our spawn become intolerable whiny little pieces of destruction who feel it necessary to pollute the environment with their gusts of noise.
And friends who become related to Hodini when they hear that you are not feeling good and pull a disappearing act or suddenly tell ya that they really gotta go pick the dirt out of the dog’s toenails RIGHT NOW. And I know the f*****s don’t have a dog!
We suddenly have packed on 500 pounds, developed horns and the fingers are spewing venom. What once was a beautiful, sexy woman has now, overnight become such a horrendous beast to behold not even the scariest movie producer can copy! Images of bloodbaths take over and induce almost orgasmic sensations in us as we imagine dismembering the male species in its entirety. If we don’t see enough blood, we burst out in tears of frustration as our lack of mass destruction is disabled.
It’s not just a female thing. Males go through it too.
Men suddenly insist on asking you what is wrong with you and feel to nit pick at you every 10 seconds..where before they were weak and quiet and out of our hair for so long. The fear of getting caught throwing their socks under the bed has suddenly made them become defensive. Knowing you know they spent extra money at the casino, or even being IN the casino with the boys having a good time with them causes them to have bouts of …what can I throw back at her so she doesn’t bring this up and condemn me back into the hell I fought so hard to get out of LAST month? Damn…did she catch me looking at that blonde…and did I have a woodie?? 
Is it something that he did? Not yet, but if he keeps asking, it CERTAINLY will be all his fault! Cause us women keep lists of things that guys do wrong! AND we will TELL you every one of them if you insist!!!!!
Once the initial yelling and screaming has subsided, or whoever has popped that vein on the side of the head first, then comes the need to touch She Who Should Not be Touched. To pat her on the back and say…”there there dear, I understand what you are going through”. 
Damnit man….don’t you think you’d be smart enough to SEE how lovingly I am eyeing the knife set on the counter?? That my eyes are glazing over in the thought of pushing one through your chest and NOT because I need to hear your comforting and understanding words. That you REALLY should make your own supper for the next few days because of the fact that I have access to many chemicals that Will induce an agonizing death??? In fact, making all the meals for the family units would be extra beneficial for a long life. That look in my eyes SHOULD tell you that I would gain so much pleasure watching you writhe on the floor gasping your last breath in total agony and pain so that you actually EXPERIENCE some of what I am going through. THEN you will truly understand how I feel.
Don’t you think that you SHOULD have learned that lesson LAST month around this time, or the month before, or the year before that??
No wonder we can’t stand ya right at this very minute for wanting to put your arms around us. You think we’re stupid enough to believe that you really want to hug us and not choke us to death?? What do you think we are? Stupid?
Stock up on f***ing chocolate and move out for the next two days will ya. And call my boss and tell him I’m taking a mental health seminar for the next two days. Oh, and take the f***ing rug rats with ya so I can walk from the bedroom to the bathtub completely naked to enjoy my tub of chocolate ice cream in silence. The animals too. Remember, I don’t discriminate.
I may let you in after the two days is over.
I’ll just have to think about that one for a bit. But you better have more chocolate or else I have 21 days to plot my revenge!
Babeland
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Whew, my Ex had it easy! LOL!
Been there…..I had horrible PMS symptoms for years and everyone in my household knew to beware! It was like Shape shifting because the nice person I normally am completely disappeared for a week. I’m so glad that part of my life is almost over!!!! Comeon Menopause, do your thing!