1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

ENJOY LIFE!

If you a re really bored and want something to do, click here….

She’s NOT going to marry you before she finds a job!   Great video, affirming and entertaining all at the same time.  This is DEFINITELY a Babe In Total Charge of Herself!  Enjoy.

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.  Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;  they put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.” The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. “Catatonics and High Colonics”……No go.

Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives”….thumbs down again. Then came “Minds and Behinds”….still no good. Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes”…….unacceptable again ! So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts”……not a chance. “Nuts and Butts”…..no way. “Freaks and Cheeks”…..still no good.  “Loons and Moons”…..forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones –

Odds and Ends” Everyone loved it.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, ”My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.”There’s a diagnostic computer down at Priceco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.  It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor..”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Priceco.  He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Priceco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.  Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
   1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
   2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
   3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
   4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins.. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
   5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
  

Thank you for shopping at Priceco!

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

 
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’  
  
God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to “justify” your desire for worldly things. 

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time.  Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy. 

God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

I, my sister and our friend took a trip from Yuma, AZ to Laughlin NV and along the way we discovered what we have now come to call “The Gilligan Vortex”. 

Our day started out joyously and uncomplicated.  It was filled with the anticipation of riches to be won which required nothing more stressful than getting everything packed into my sister’s car, getting ourselves inside and driving away.  My sister stopped at a gas station in Yuma and filled up before we officially headed out of town at 9:00 a.m. according to our friend’s GPS which she fondly calls “The Bitch”.  Our estimated time of arrival in Laughlin, she announces, is 12:30 p.m. not accounting for stops along the way, and so our tale begins.

When we arrive in Quartzsite, AZ, 84+ miles from Yuma we stop for gas and a potty break (10 minutes max) then it was onto Lake Havasu City AZ, another 75 miles, where we stopped again and grabbed a quick bite at a fast food restaurant and filled up (20 minutes) with our last stop anticipated to be Laughlin, NV.  Prior to pulling out of the station our friend once again consulted The Bitch which now estimated our new time of arrival in Laughlin, after the two stops, at 1:00 p.m.  Awesome, lots and lots of time to get lunch, head into the casino, win lots of money, no problemo…we thought.  With no delays, no stops, nothing to account for an extended arrival time we pulled into the hotel parking lot at 2:35 p.m., an hour and a half later than anticipated.  What started out as a casual, fun filled, 4 hour tour/trip from my sister’s house in Yuma, AZ to the gambling Mecca of Laughlin, NV ended up defying all the laws of physics and common sense when it turned into a five and a half hour tour leaving one and a half hours of our lives unaccounted for.  Now, before you even go there, understand between the three of us (two having actually been there several times) scratching our heads while figuring and refiguring, going over the day which included the stops already mentioned, the speed of the car and traffic, setting and resetting “The Bitch” we still couldn’t figure this one out. 

Well, it eventually took a backseat to all the fun and gambling we were doing and was only brought up here and there over the next couple of days with wonder, humor and, I admit on my part, a small amount of consternation.  What the hell did happen to that hour and a half??  All that aside, we had a great time, my sister won all my money, the two of them got to see Reba Macintyre perform and I had a relaxing enjoyable weekend with my sweet sister and her crazy, funny friend, all in all, lost time aside, it was a great weekend. 

Sadly, as we all know, vacations have to end sometime and the day ultimately came for us to leave.   My sister told me she went to get the car while our friend and I went up to the room to get all our bags.  When we get to the room our friend grabs her already packed bag, I grab my already packed bag along with my sister’s and we both inspect the room thoroughly, not wanting to leave anything behind.  Satisfied that we had everything we headed downstairs and met up with my sister at the car.  It is 10:40 a.m. when we consult The Bitch and pull out of the parking lot and head back to Yuma. 

This is the part I fondly compare to a fictional episode of Gilligan’s Island where the Marx Brothers mysteriously show up and confusion and hilarity ensue. 

Now back to our story.  We leave the hotel at 10:40 a.m., I’m driving, our friend is next to me in the front seat along with “The Bitch” and my sister is in the back relaxing.  As I drive toward the main road my sister says to go left, her friend says the Bitch says to go right.  I stop at the road and wait for them to come to some kind of consensus – it’s to turn right.  So right I go less than a quarter mile where I am stopped at a light.  Construction is happening behind us and on the road ahead, cars are backed up but we patiently waited for our light to turn and the traffic to start moving.  It’s quiet as we wait when suddenly I hear a startled, “Oh my God!” come out of the friend next to me.  I immediately look around for some kind of danger heading toward us that she must see and I don’t; my first thought being a bull dozer or backhoe about to ram into us.  Seconds later my attention is drawn from outside the car by our friend who is frantically waving around a white piece of paper.  It turns out to be a slot machine ticket worth $75 that she’d forgotten to cash out.  Relieved we weren’t in any imminent danger of maiming or death, I looked around and found we were easily able to turn around, which I did and we headed back to the casino we had just left a few minutes before.  Not a big deal, my sister and I wait as the friend goes inside and comes back out about ten minutes later with her money.  She straps in and we head out again, it is now 11:10.  We are soon back to where we were before, sitting in traffic.  After a few minutes of looking at the cars backed up, unmoving and unending, I made an executive decision, we’re taking a different route out of there.  Our friend consults the Bitch who advises us to turn around and head back the way we came (twice now), down Casino Road, past the entrance to the hotel and to the left as my sister had originally suggested.  A short few minutes later we found ourselves at the crossroads of Casino Road and the Needles highway, directly across from Gilligan’s Bar and Grill where our friend tells us the Bitch says to take a left, so left we go, finally on our way home.   

The next half an hour passed pretty quickly, little traffic, good speed, all is right with the world when a voice comes out of the back seat and says, “Where’s your computer?” 

“FUCK! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.  In my concern to make sure I had my sister’s bag and my bag I completely forgot I had my laptop and that I had put it into the closet so it wouldn’t be out and readily in view should someone that shouldn’t be there came into the room. I had no idea I was also hiding it from myself!  To make matters worse, it wasn’t actually my laptop, it belonged to my work….CRAP!  So the next exit became our turn around and we were soon headed back to Laughlin at the highest rate of speed I felt I could get away. In the meantime our friend tried, mostly in vain, to get a cell signal out in the desert to call the hotel and ask them to secure the laptop.  Time and miles pass and I finally see the Laughlin exit.  I am about to take it when the friend shouts for me to keep going!  “Remember”, she said, “it’s the second Laughlin exit with the purple billboard that we want.”  Oh, right, I’d forgotten that.  So, keeping an eye out, not for the Laughlin exit but the “purple billboard” I continued down the freeway at top speed, half my mind on the road and the other half ping ponging between worry about getting through to the hotel and visions of one of the staff absconding with the laptop.  It was silent in the car except for the constant hum of the tires on the road and our friend’s voice as she occasionally cursed the cell towers when once again my sister’s voice comes from the back seat, this time with a great deal more urgency attached to it, “Oh, no!  Take this exit!”  Our friend and I both look at the exit sign zooming up on us which says ‘Starlight’  ‘Las Vegas’ not ‘Laughlin’ as we had expected.  What the hell happened to the fricking purple sign???  Not interested in questioning the situation or our location, trusting my sister’s experience, I swing onto the exit realizing we’d obviously somehow completely missed the second exit with the purple billboard ending up quite a bit further north than we should have been.  Now the question became, do we turn around and head back to the Laughlin exit or do we take this freeway which will ultimately, according to the Bitch, provide an alternate route to Laughlin?  It was decided, keep going on that freeway which, it turns out, added another 40 miles or so and another 40 minutes to our already 30 or more minutes trying to get back.  So what took us 30 minutes to drive away from, we now had to drive back to in 70.  We ended up approaching Laughlin on the Needles highway from the opposite direction we had left in.  Ironically we had to take another left at Gilligan’s bar and grill to enter Casino Road and return to the hotel we’d left at 10:40 and again at 11:10 that same morning.   Fortunately my laptop was safe and was brought to me in the lobby whereupon we decided to take a few minutes, and have one last drink while decompresing from the stress of the attempts we’d already made to leave Laughlin.  After a drink and bit of gambling we made our third, and what we hoped would be our final departure from the hotel.  So, at 1:40 p.m. the car with the three of us and all of our luggage once again pulled out of the hotel entrance, once again turned left onto Casino road, turned left for the third time at Gilligan’s bar and grill and onto the Needles highway headed for home.  I am happy to say we arrived, without incident, at 6:30 p.m. that nightwith little to no comment from any of us as to why it still took us five hours to get back. 

What we decided, after all the talk and all the debate and all the considerations were voiced and thought through was the loss of time we experienced in the Arizona desert boiled down to two possible explanations; 1) we were either abducted by aliens or 2) we went through a vortex.  We unanimously decided the vortex theory would fly much better with those whom we loved and cherished if we wanted them to ever be seen with us again.

Okay, folks, unless I’m crippled up because of damage to my body or some kind of disease where I absolutely cannot bend over and clean my own feet and I ask anyone to go and buy one of these for me, do me a favor and JUST SHOOT ME!  PLEASE! 

Submitted by Renee Cossich, B.I.T.C.H., Inc. member

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh….it is all true… there are perks to reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these points are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!